A social phobia is a fear of interacting with others on a social level. Examples would be talking in front of other people, waiting in line at the checkout imagining others are looking at you, or even fear of talking on the phone.
Self-confidence is a feeling that allows people to have confident, yet realistic views of themselves and their state of affairs. Self-confident people trust their own talents, have a general sense of control over their lives, and have confidence that, within reason, they will be able to do what they want to do.
Self-confidence is a mental attitude that is conditioned through experiences. When a person experiences success, that person will tend to expect to be successful. And that very expectation will cause a feeling of self-confidence.
For example: A young man wants to be a prizefighter, so he gets a manager and takes lessons. His manager will not put him into the ring until he has developed enough stamina and skill. And even then, the manager will only put him up against a contender that he knows his fighter can overcome. When his fighter beats the opponent, he is successful, and starts to gain self-confidence in his capability.
With each challenge, the manager puts his prizefighter up against a rival who is a slightly better challenger then the last, but not good enough to beat his fighter. By the end of the third fight, the young prizefighter begins to expect to win his fourth, and so his confidence continues to increase. This series of events continues to repeat itself. And as long as the fighter warrior continues to win, his expectations of success, and his feelings of self-confidence will continue to bloom.
As another example: A young lady who is afraid of high places wants to learn to dive into a swimming pool from a high diving board. So she finds a diving coach who asks her to dive into the pool from the first step of the ladder going up to the high board. The first rung of the ladder isn’t especially high, so the young lady feels completely confident, and she dives from that step, and lands in the water unharmed.
Next, the trainer has her take a jump from the second step of the ladder, and so forth. I assume that you see what is going on here. With each additional step she takes as she climbs up the ladder, since the girl was able to jump without fear, and this next higher step is only slightly higher then the last, the fear of being harmed factor is negligible, and the girl expects to be successful. When she dives in and is unhurt, the girl’s confidence increases, and her expectation of success on the next rung up the ladder increases.
If a person who has a long history of success and feelings of self-esteem does fail, they still tend to expect success the next time out. Conversely, when a person who is weak in the confidence department fails, they tend to lose confidence, and expect failure, which usually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Even if an individual has true self-confidence, it doesn’t mean that they will be successful at everything. People, who have true self-confidence, usually have expectations that are realistic. Even when some of their expectations are not met, they continue to be confident and to accept themselves.
People, who are not self-confident, tend to lean overwhelmingly on the confirmation of other people in order to feel good about themselves. They avoid risks because of the fear of failure. They put themselves down and tend to discount compliments that they receive.
Conversely, self-assured people are willing to risk the disapproval of others because they generally count on their own qualifications. They tend to acknowledge themselves; and they don’t believe that they have to conform in order to be accepted.
Just because a person feels self-esteem in one or more areas of their life, doesn’t mean that they will feel optimistic in every single area of their life. For example, a person might feel self-confident about their mathematical talents, but not feel confident as far as members of the opposite sex are involved, such as in a dating situation, or social relationships.
How Is Confidence Created Initially?
Many effective truths impact the maturation of self-esteem. Parents’ attitudes are essential to the way children view themselves, particularly in their formative years. When parents provide appreciation, children receive a great foundation for feelings of self-worth. If one or both parents are unreasonably critical or demanding, or if they are overprotective and discourage moves toward independence, children may come to believe they are incapable, inadequate, or inferior.
However, if parents encourage a child’s moves toward self-reliance, and they are not overly critical when the child makes mistakes, the child will learn to accept herself, and will be on the way to developing self-confidence.
Just because a person does not have confidence, it does not mean that he/she doesn’t have abilities. A lack of self-confidence is often the result of focusing very strongly on the unreal expectancy of others above all friends and parents. The influence of peers can be more effective and powerful than that of parents in shaping the feelings about one’s self.
Beliefs That Continue to Influence Self-esteem
In response to external influences, people develop assumptions. Some of these are positive and some are negative. Several assumptions that can interfere with self-confidence and better ways of thinking are:
ASSUMPTION: I always have to be successful at every challenge that I undertake. This assumption is a totally unrealistic assumption. In real life each person has her strengths and her weaknesses. While it’s important to do the best that you can, it is more important to learn to accept yourself as being human, and less than perfect. Feel good about what you are good at, and accept the fact that no person knows everything nor are they an expert at everything.
ASSUMPTION: I must be perfect, and loved by everyone, and satisfy everyone. Again, this assumption is unrealistic. All human beings are deficient. It’s better to develop standards and values that are not completely dependent on the approval of others.
ASSUMPTION: Everything that happened to me in the past remains in control of my feelings and behaviors in the present.
ALTERNATIVE: While it is true that your confidence was especially subject to external influences when you were a child as you grow to adulthood awareness and outlook on what those influences have been. In doing so, you can choose which influences you will continue to allow to have an effect on your life. You don’t have to be helpless based on what happened in the past
Here Are Some Strategies For Developing Confidence
Emphasize Your Strengths. Bestow upon yourself credit for everything you can do. And bestow upon yourself recognition for every new adventure you are willing to attempt.
Take risks. Adopt the perspective of: I never fail, because there are NO failures. However, sometimes I learn what doesn’t work and once I’ve learned what doesn’t work in a given situation, I can try out something else.
Use Self-Talk: Use self-talk as an opportunity to counter harmful assumptions. Then, tell yourself to stop. Substitute more reasonable assumptions. For example, when you catch yourself expecting yourself to be perfect, remind yourself that it’s impossible to be an expert at everything, and that it is only possible to do things to the best of your ability. This allows you to accept yourself while still working towards improvement.
Make mental movies: Visualize yourself in the various scenarios that you currently lack confidence in. But see yourself behaving like a person who has tremendous self-confidence would. There are many effective Hypnotic approaches that will build up a profound amount of self-confidence from within your subconscious mind. There are even NLP techniques that will let you take confidence that you do have in areas of your life, and then transplant that confidence to areas of your life that are lacking self-confidence!
Self-Evaluate: Learn to assay yourself as an individual human being. Refrain from the frequent sense of befuddlement that comes from relying on other people’s opinion.
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By: Alan B. Densky
